I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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