I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
