My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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