I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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