I faked an abortion last night.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
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