I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Randomize
