and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Randomize
