That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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