He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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