god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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