I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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