You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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