the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
