I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
