We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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