Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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