Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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