Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
