Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I'm jealous of your bromance
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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