i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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