How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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