Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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