Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
