just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
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