Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
