Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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