Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
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