I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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