I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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