You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
