I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
