Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
