he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
The uberlube is also flammable
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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