So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
