im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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