She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
