Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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