I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
