Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
