If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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