did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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