WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
