i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
