You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
