The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize