so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
