Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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