So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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