last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize