Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Found the puke drawer
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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