The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
tell me about the eggs
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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