Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I deserve to be covered in dicks
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
