is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
