Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
