I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
