Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
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