We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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