I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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