Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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