no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Randomize
