Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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