Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
i think i just lost a toe
as a side note pls kill me
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