i need an iv and a liver transplant
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I will be naked everywhere
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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