just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
