Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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