I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
