Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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